Audit: $9 Billion Unaccounted for in Iraq

The U.S. occupation authority in Iraq was unable to keep track of nearly $9 billion it transferred to government ministries, which lacked financial controls, security, communications and adequate staff, an inspector general has found.

Dude, I can totally sympathize. This one time, in Burger King, I like totally spaced and left my wallet in the men’s room. And I was totally like, “Holy fucking shit, dude! I fucking forgot my wallet! Now some Burger King bathroom dude is gonna blow all my cash on like Whoppers and shit.”

Of course, my wallet only had like three bucks in it, so I can only imagine how freaked out you’d be with the whole $9 billion thing.

The U.S. officials relied on Iraqi audit agencies to account for the funds but those offices were not even functioning when the funds were transferred.

Dude, I know, right? I so totally feel your pain. This one time I was at Shooters By The Bay, and I told my buddy Sporto to hold my beer, and it like totally fell on the floor and broke all over my shoes and shit. And I was like, “Yo, Sporto! What the fuck, dude?” And then — this is the weird part — he like, totally wasn’t there.

Some of the transferred funds may have paid “ghost” employees, the inspector general found. CPA staff learned that 8,206 guards were on the payroll at one ministry, but only 602 could be accounted for, the report said. At another ministry, U.S. officials found 1,417 guards on the payroll but could only confirm 642.

Holy shit, dude! Fucking GHOSTS? Are you serious? Iraq is such a creepy place, man.

I bet there’s all sorts of like mummies and shit there too. Can you imagine paying a bunch of mummies to guard your shit? That would rule. Robbers would be all like, “Fuck this, man. That place has got mummies and shit. I’m gonna go rob a 7-11 instead.”

Oh, and dude … Can you imagine how many 7-11’s there must be in Iraq? With all those towelheads? Fuck stealing their oil, man. Get me a fucking Big Gulp.

Once-Invincible ‘Governator’ Dips in Polls

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger rode an extraordinary wave of popularity in his first year, thanks to a blend of celebrity, political smarts, and a bit of rookie luck. But the so-called Governator now faces so much criticism that many wonder whether he might be a mere mortal after all.

I’m proud to live in a state where it’s okay to criticize my Governor.

But I’m more proud to live in a state where my Governor could potentially drive a motorcyle into my living room just to shoot me in the face.

Villagers furious with Christian Missionaries

Rage and fury has gripped this tsunami-hit tiny Hindu village in India’s southern Tamil Nadu after a group of Christian missionaries allegedly refused them aid for not agreeing to follow their religion.

I believe it was Jesus who once said, “Blessed are you hungry people, you will be filled.”

Of course, that’s the abridged version. The full version continues, “… as long as you reject your pagan religion and declare your everlasting belief in me. Otherwise, you can starve like the dirty, heathen dogs that you are.”

Turner Compares Fox’s Popularity to Hitler

Ted Turner called Fox a propaganda tool of the Bush administration and indirectly compared Fox News Channel’s popularity to Adolf Hitler’s popular election to run Germany before World War II.

Sounds like somebody’s been doing a little too much talking with a Ms. Jane Fonda.

Stripper Wins Damages After Tiger Attack

A stripper mauled by a tiger …

Okay, stop right there. Read that again. “A stripper mauled by a tiger.” No need to call 1-800-TBS-FUNNY. I can confirm that, indeed, that is Really Quite Amusing.

… in an Ontario safari park has won C$800,000 ($650,000) in damages because her scars meant she could no longer work, Canadian media said on Friday.

That seems reasonable. I mean, after all, a good stripper can make several thousand dollars a week. Stretch that out over a couple of years and you’ve got a pretty nice chunk of change. A fair decision, it seems. Until you realize …

Her musician boyfriend, David Balac, won C$1.7 million, because his injuries left him unable to work as an accordion player.

Okay, wait. An accordian player? You mean to tell me that an accordian player has more earning potential than a stripper? What kind of crazy Twilight Zone world do we live in?

I’m sorry, but there’s no way this guy was gonna make $1.7 million over the course of his career. As an accordian player, I’d say his gross lifetime earning potential is probably somewhere in the neighborhood of eight bucks. Maybe $8.12 if you’re counting tips.

And since when do accordian players date strippers anyway? Dude, didn’t you read the rules? You play the accordian. You’re not ALLOWED to date a stripper.

Guitar players get to date strippers. Drummers get to date strippers. Accordian players get to date circus freaks. Burn victims. Other accordian players.

It’s almost like God looked down on the guy and said, “Whoa! What the — ? I look away for one minute, and here’s this accordian player dating a perfectly good stripper. Hmmm. Where’d I put that tiger …?”

Amend the rule book. Accordian players are now permitted by date strippers … but only ones that have been mauled by a tiger.