Audit: $9 Billion Unaccounted for in Iraq

The U.S. occupation authority in Iraq was unable to keep track of nearly $9 billion it transferred to government ministries, which lacked financial controls, security, communications and adequate staff, an inspector general has found.

Dude, I can totally sympathize. This one time, in Burger King, I like totally spaced and left my wallet in the men’s room. And I was totally like, “Holy fucking shit, dude! I fucking forgot my wallet! Now some Burger King bathroom dude is gonna blow all my cash on like Whoppers and shit.”

Of course, my wallet only had like three bucks in it, so I can only imagine how freaked out you’d be with the whole $9 billion thing.

The U.S. officials relied on Iraqi audit agencies to account for the funds but those offices were not even functioning when the funds were transferred.

Dude, I know, right? I so totally feel your pain. This one time I was at Shooters By The Bay, and I told my buddy Sporto to hold my beer, and it like totally fell on the floor and broke all over my shoes and shit. And I was like, “Yo, Sporto! What the fuck, dude?” And then — this is the weird part — he like, totally wasn’t there.

Some of the transferred funds may have paid “ghost” employees, the inspector general found. CPA staff learned that 8,206 guards were on the payroll at one ministry, but only 602 could be accounted for, the report said. At another ministry, U.S. officials found 1,417 guards on the payroll but could only confirm 642.

Holy shit, dude! Fucking GHOSTS? Are you serious? Iraq is such a creepy place, man.

I bet there’s all sorts of like mummies and shit there too. Can you imagine paying a bunch of mummies to guard your shit? That would rule. Robbers would be all like, “Fuck this, man. That place has got mummies and shit. I’m gonna go rob a 7-11 instead.”

Oh, and dude … Can you imagine how many 7-11’s there must be in Iraq? With all those towelheads? Fuck stealing their oil, man. Get me a fucking Big Gulp.