50 Cent getting along fine in gentle suburbia

Even in the hardcore rap genre he’s among the hardest, a former drug dealer whose posse traded gunfire recently with another artist from his own record label.

But in Farmington, 50 Cent is all good.

“We want to have prom at his house,” said a beaming Liza Dionne, an 18-year-old student at Farmington High School.

Originally the prom’s theme was going to be “Love Of A Lifetime … Or Until I Get Caught In A Rap War Crossfire, Whichever Comes First,” but that was too long to emboss on a commemorative wine glass.

Instead they opted for the more economical, “I Love You, Please Don’t Bleed On My Dress.”

Vintage 1973 LIFE OF JESUS Board Game – bible religion

Winning bid: US $6.07

This guy really dropped the ball on his eBay auction. He auctioned it as the Life Of Jesus game, and he only made $6.07.

What he should’ve done is say it was a plain old Life game, then suddenly one day it magically became the Life Of Jesus game. “It’s as if the Lord was speaking to me through a board game. Every time I roll the dice, I hear a chorus of angels.”

SOLD for $18,053 to the Jesus freak in the white robe!

A Flesh-Eating Virus Invades ‘Top Model’

Is it a flesh-eating virus or a less virulent skin disease? Tune in to tonight’s “America’s Next Top Model,” when MICHELLE wakes up with little burn-like circles on her face, and the rest of the girls freak out.

“I have no idea what it is,” Michelle explains to her fellow models, who go a bit over the top speculating behind Michelle’s back that the disfiguring marks could be a flesh-eating virus, the result of devil worship or self-mutilation.

And don’t miss next week’s episode, when wanna-be model LAKEISHA reveals that, every few weeks, she starts bleeding from her vagina.

As the girls speculate about whether the bleeding is caused by vagina-eating insect burrowed into her snatch, or the results of some sort of alien sex experiment, host Tyra Banks steps in.

“It’s called ‘menstruating’, sometimes known as your ‘period,’” Banks explained.

Lakeisha, overwhelmed with emotion, runs from the room. “I was told there would be no spelling!” she sobs as she leaves.

Will Lakeisha be able to learn to read soon enough to stop her vagina from disintegrating? Tune in next week to find out.

Madonna Like A Nun?

William Donahue, president of the Catholic League, verbally crucified the pair, arguing that their appearance at London’s Kabbalah Center Purim Party, drinking and dancing in clerical attire, was offensive …

Donahue told E! Online of the couple’s appearance, “She needs to be beaten with a ruler by a real-life nun and he needs to paddled on his behind by a real-life priest. That would please the Catholic League.”

Oh, yes. That would please the Catholic League VERY much.

“Oh, Mr. Richie! You’ve been a bad, bad boy! A naughty boy! You deserve … a spanking! Yes, a spanking! Now come here and bend your sweet ass over Father William’s lap. Don’t mind that lump, boy. That’s just a crucifix in my pocket.”

But Donahue reserved the most ire for Ritchie–who was garbed in a gold-trimmed white ecclesiastical robe and matching skullcap–calling him “morally depraved.”

Perfect. Then he’ll fit right in with the rest of the clergy.

Openly Gay Cheney Daughter Writing Memoir

Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, plans to publish a memoir under a new subdivision of Simon & Schuster devoted to conservative books, the company announced Tuesday.

Cheney, a top aide during her father’s campaigns in 2000 and 2004, has drawn much political attention because she is openly gay.

Day 1: Munched box today. Turns out I don’t like dick. Wonder if I should tell mom and dad.

Day 2: Told Dad I’m gay. Mom says the bruises will heal in no time. Cracked ribs and punctured lung may take a bit longer.

Day 46: Still coughing up blood. Reminder: Tell Dad to stop kicking me in the kidney every time I walk by.

Day 366: Been gay for one whole year. Went to Hooters to celebrate with some girlfriends. Later Dad tried to carve out my womb with a hacksaw. He was mumbling something about “devil spawn.” I hate when he gets moody.

Day 922: I’m back at de-gayification camp again. Dad caught me looking at the Swimsuit Issue and decided I needed more re-education. I hate nuns. Except Sister Mary Margaret. That bitch licks box like a champ. Hail Mary!

Day 1135: Dad thinks its best if I come work for him. As soon as he stopped choking me, I said yes faster than you can say “splintered esophagus.” The tracheotomy should heal in a few weeks.

Day 1135, part two: My dad has an enormous cock. (He asked me to write that.)

Day 1421: I’m running Dad’s campaign now. I call it the “Acting Against My Own Best Interest” Tour. It’s lonely on the road. I think I’m going to ask Dad if I can bring Sister Mary Margaret along.

Day 1422: Dad said no. Funeral services for Sister Mary Margaret will be held on Tuesday. Hope I’ll be able to go. Still not fully recovered from the blunt force trauma to the cranium. Doctors say my vision should return within days.

Day 1423: Dad had Sister Mary Margaret’s head stuffed and mounted on the wall over his bed. Not funny.

Day 1944: My big coming out party is today. Melissa Etheridge is coming. Yay!

Day 1945: I feel bad that things went so poorly yesterday. The fire department said it was a “natural gas leak.” At least I think that’s what they said. It’s hard to hear through all the bandages. Mom says I’ll be pretty again after the skin grafts.