Doomsayers Say Benedict Fits World End Prophecy

Benedict, believers say, fits the description of the second-to-last pope listed under the prophecy before the Last Judgement, when the bible says God separates the wicked from the righteous at the end of time.

At first I thought this was a crazy theory. Until I saw this website.

St. Malachy was said to have had a vision during a trip to Rome around 1139 of the remaining 112 Popes. The new pope would be number 111 on that list, and is described in a text attributed to St. Malachy as the “Glory of the Olive.”

To connect Benedict, a pale, bookish German, to anything olive takes some imagination.

Imagination, you say. Ah, but where does the imaginative end … and the miraculous begin?

I’m thinking it’s somewhere between the Virgin Mary With Cheese, Jesus Of The Frying Pan, Our Lady Of The Enormous Stone Clitoris, and the Rubber Labia De Virgincita.

Bush Says ‘Blunt’ Bolton Will Be an Asset at U.N.

“John Bolton’s a blunt guy. Sometimes people say I’m a little too blunt,” Bush told a news conference.

No, sir. We didn’t say you’re too blunt. What we said is you’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer. There’s a difference.

“If we expect the United Nations to be effective, it needs to clean up its problems. And I think it makes sense to have somebody representing the United States who will be straightforward about the issues.”

“John Bolton can get the job done,” Bush added.

Absolutely. The United Nations is rife with problems. For example, they’re seriously deficient in the Department Of Letting The U.S. Do Whatever The Fuck It Wants. And their Ministry Of Bowing To American Hegemony is totally corrupt.

John Bolton brings to the job more than twenty years of diverse experience, expert knowledge, and total disregard for others’ interests. He’s as American as apple pie, baseball, and depleted uranium-induced birth defects.

Republicans More Confident Bolton Will Be Confirmed

Sen. Lisa Murkowski, a Republican on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee who said more time was needed to examine Bolton’s record, said so far she has not seen information to prompt her to vote against him.

I wonder what would prompt her, or any other Republicans, to vote against him …?

Threatening intelligence analysts who don’t agree with his views? Big deal.

Selling national security secrets to the Chinese? Please. Who doesn’t?

Eating an aborted fetus during a gay marriage? He was hungry!

After Republican Sen. George Voinovich (news, bio, voting record) of Ohio said he was not prepared to support Bolton at last week’s committee meeting, Republicans were forced to postpone the vote until May 12.

White House deputy chief of staff Karl Rove, in an interview with USA Today and Gannett News Services, said he was “absolutely confident he’ll be confirmed.”

You know what that means. Rove has Voinovich chained to a chair in some dank Washington boiler room with a canvas sack over his head, beating him with a rubber hose and shoving needles under his fingernails.

Or, as they call it in the White House, “lobbying.”

“This phase of the process is just beginning now. I don’t know why anybody would have their minds made up before the facts are in,” said Norm Kurz, spokesman for Sen. Joseph Biden.

Um … Because that’s the White House’s official policy. Duh.

Bush Wants Refineries at Ex-Defense Bases

The White House acknowledged that none of the initiatives was expected to provide any short-term relief from soaring gasoline and oil prices.

If the Bush Administration was a 911 operator:

“911 Emergency. How can I help you?”

“Help! Help! I’ve just been … *gurgle* … stabbed in the … *gurgle* … throat!”

“Okay, ma’am. Just calm down. Help is on the way.”

“Oh, thank god! When will they be here?”

“Around June 1, 2012.”

“2012? What?! That’s seven years from now!”

“Well, these things take time.”

“What things?”

“We’re building a new hospital. It’s going to be very nice.”

“But … but … I’m dying now!“

“Yes, well … At least you can’t say we’re not doing anything about it. Have a nice day!”

CLICK!

The officials said the president believes the country needs a diverse supply of energy, including expansion of aggressive nuclear power. There has not been a new commercial nuclear reactor ordered in the United States since 1973.

New nuclear power plants are clearly the answer to our energy woes. And if they just HAPPEN to make depleted uranium as a byproduct, so be it. A little DU never hurt anyone.

Well, almost.

We better be careful though. With just a few easily-obtainable black market products, a civilian nuclear power plant can easily be converted to military use for producing weapons-grade plutonium. If that happens, there will be only one alternative:

The United States will have to invade itself.

BUSH ASKS ABOUT ‘SPLASH DAY’

President Bush raised eyebrows on Tuesday when he asked locals in Galveston, Texas: “Do you still have Splash Day?”

“Splash Day” is the annual “adult oriented enormous beach party” celebration on the Gulf Coast.

Bush was unaware “Splash Day” is now a fully gay and lesbian event on the beaches.

Splash Day: Then … and now.