N.J. Beach Town Repeals 30-Year Speedo Ban

Come on in, Speedo wearers, the water’s fine: Your skimpy little swimsuits are legal now. For more than 30 years, this quaint little Victorian-themed resort at the southern tip of New Jersey said no to “skintight, formfitting or bikini type” bathing attire on males over the age of 12.

Perfect timing! With my newly healed penis-enlargement surgery, I’m looking forward to hitting the beach in my Speedo to show off my goods. Ladies, beware. Only 1/16 of an inch of Speedo stands between you and the Phallus Of The Gods.

“It’s a beach town, for God’s sake,” said Police Chief Diane Sorantino. The town also agreed to lift a rule that stopped bare-chested men from strolling along the beachfront promenade.

Great. Because nothing says “fun in the sun” like man-boobs.