Negotiators on Torture Bill Feeling Heat
Congressional negotiators are feeling heat from the White House and constituents as they consider whether to back a Senate-approved ban on torturing detainees in U.S. custody or weaken the prohibition, as the White House prefers.
C’mon, guys! A little torture never hurt anyone. Well, except for the guy being tortured, but who cares about him? He’s probably a terrorist. Or an evil-doer. Or a brown-skinned funny-talker.
Beyond the obvious national security benefits of jabbing people in the eyes with needles until they admit to plotting to assassinate Mickey Mouse with a blowdart, torture serves another, more vital purpose: alternative energy.
Forget solar power. If we can learn to harness the power of hypocrisy and convert it into electrical energy, we can power the military-industrial complex for the next millenium.
Led by Vice President Dick Cheney, the Bush administration is floating a proposal that would allow the president to exempt covert agents outside the Defense Department from the ban.
What I like about Dick Cheney is the absolute purity of his evilness. It’s like bottled evil, the Evian of soulless disregard for human life. It’s evil so undistilled by anything resembling human compassion or emotion that it’s like a vacuum that sucks goodness out of the universe.
It doesn’t surprise me that Cheney is pushing to allow U.S. agents to use torture. What surprises me is that he’s not pushing harder for permission to do it himself.
“C’mon, let me do it. Just let me poke him with a stick or something.”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Vice President, but we can’t allow you to –”
“Awww, why not? Okay, I’ll tell you what. You torture him. Just let me gnaw on his arm a little.”
“Excuse me, sir?”
“I just wanna, you know, take a bite or two. Maybe cut off a finger, suck on it like a cigar. Pack an eyeball on ice, save it for later.”
“Mr. Cheney, I don’t think that’s — Sir? What are you — Don’t —
[Assorted tearing, chewing, gurgling sounds. Loud belch.]
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