US to hold 1,000th execution this week

The United States is scheduled this week to witness its 1,000th execution since the Supreme Court reinstated the death penalty in 1976, but even as it reaches this milestone opponents said capital punishment may be falling out of favor.

Capital punishment is falling out of favor? Not anymore, baby! Milestones are great for publicity. Look at what Cal Ripken’s 2131st consecutive game or Mark McGwire’s 62nd home run did for baseball.

Once the ball gets rolling, it’s only a short leap to the Triple Crown of execution: women, retards, and children. Execute a multiple amputee at the same time, and it’s like pitching a perfect game. I’m sure President Bush is looking forward to throwing out the first pitch.

Soon there will be nightly televised executions on ESPN’s The Best Damn Government-Sanctioned Murder Show, Period. Bars and fraternities everywhere will start running Fantasy Execution leagues. (My money’s on axe murderer Timothy Titsworth.)

With five people scheduled for execution in five different states this week, it seems almost certain that the landmark of 1,000 will be passed.

The only question is, which of these lucky fellas gets to be number 1000? The stakes are high. After all, the winner not only gets nationwide press coverage of his execution, but also a $50 gift certificate to Outback Steakhouse, a $1000 shopping spree at the Payless Shoe Source of his choice, and a gift bag from Bath & Body Works worth up to $50.

Truly an honor to die for.

How U.S. Fell Under the Spell of ‘Curveball’

Five senior officials from Germany’s Federal Intelligence Service … warned U.S. intelligence authorities that the source, an Iraqi defector code-named Curveball, never claimed to produce germ weapons and never saw anyone else do so.

The German authorities … also said that their informant suffered from emotional and mental problems. “He is not a stable, psychologically stable guy,” said a BND official who supervised the case. “He is not a completely normal person,” agreed a BND analyst.

If the United States was able to go war with Iraq based hearsay from a crazy guy nicknamed Curveball, then wait’ll you see what we do with the intelligence on Syrian WMDs we’re getting from our newest informant, Crazy Larry.

[T]he White House is lashing out at domestic critics, particularly Senate Democrats, over allegations the administration manipulated intelligence to go to war. Last week, Vice President Dick Cheney called such claims reprehensible and pernicious.

Senate Democrats quickly struck back, calling Cheney’s use of 150-point Scrabble words “superfluous” and “pleonastic.”

Vice President Cheney scoffed at the allegations, calling them a floccinaucinihilipilification of his criticisms, while accusing the Democrats of being blatantly hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobic.

“Yeah,” President Bush chimed in. “And they’re dumb too. Dumb and bad.”

CIA officials now concede that the Iraqi fused fact, research he gleaned on the Internet and what his former co-workers called “water cooler gossip” into a nightmarish fantasy that played on U.S. fears after the Sept. 11 attacks.

You have to give the CIA a little credit. They did pull one of Curveball’s most explosive allegations from the State Of The Union address at the last minute.

If they hadn’t, we would have gone to war over the claim that Saddam had broken up Ross and Rachel on Friends, and was threatening to do the same to Carrie and Mr. Big on Sex And The City.

Both accusations were corroborated by multiple sources, including Amir in Accounting, and Musaf from the 2nd desk to the left of the lunch room, by the Pepsi machine.

Despite the evidence, the CIA pulled the allegation after a last-minute report that Mr. Big had followed Carrie to Paris and was waiting for her in the lobby of her hotel with an engagement ring.

After the 1991 Gulf War, U.N. inspectors struggled to unravel Baghdad’s secret biological weapons program. They speculated that the regime produced germs in mobile factories to evade detection.

In 1994, acting on tips from Israeli intelligence, U.N. inspectors even stopped red-and-white trucks in Baghdad marked: “Tip Top Ice Cream.” Inside they found ice cream.

Those goddamn Iraqis thought they were so clever, disguising their weapons labs as ice cream trucks. But they were no match for us. Our crack team of CIA commandos went in and found the incriminating evidence we needed to justify an invasion:

A massive inventory of Bomb Pops.

Cruise Keeps Eye on Fetus

[Tom Cruise] has acquired a sonogram machine with which to personally track the progress of the fetus currently incased in his fiancee Katie Holmes’ womb.

Stop. Just stop it. This is not even remotely creepy. You would do the same thing, if you had the means. It’s perfectly natural for a man to want to track the progress of his progeny as it develops inside its human incubator.

And you can bet that, when the time is right, Tom will be there with a 70mm IMAX camera, ready to capture that beautiful moment when his offspring chews its way through Katie’s viscera, making a glorious emergence through the gaping hole its acid-spewing tentacles has burned through her esophagus.

The Narcissist’s Confabulated Life

It’s amazing what a simple find-and-replace can reveal.

In the article below, I made one simple change: I replaced the word “narcissist” with “President.” I think it explains a lot.

Observe …

This is where the President differs from others (from “normal” people).

His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the President’s grandiosity. He fails in his “reality test” – the ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The President fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance, omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn’t dare confront the truth and admit it even to himself.

Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors – sometimes even perfect strangers – must abide by the President’s narrative or face his wrath. The President countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality.

The coherence of the President’s dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality depends on the plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The President invests an inordinate time in substantiating his tales, collecting “evidence”, defending his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to fit his scenario. As a result, most Presidents are self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and argumentative.

The President’s lies are not goal-orientated. This is what makes his constant dishonesty both disconcerting and incomprehensible. The President lies at the drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly. He lies in order to avoid the Grandiosity Gap – when the abyss between fact and (narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore.

The President lies in order to preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall (and impossible) tales of his False Self and extract Narcissistic Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him. To the President, confabulation is not merely a way of life – but life itself.

We are all conditioned to let other indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too egregious, lies. The President makes use of our socialization. We dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed.

Moreover, the President makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway. His aggression – even violent streak – are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter – but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse. His interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the President’s fairy tales. Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on his milieu – sometimes with disastrous consequences.

Fla. Teacher Pleads Guilty in Sex Case

The victim’s mother said afterward … “If we had continued along this path, this would have followed him forever,” said the mother, whose name was being withheld to protect her son’s identity. “My prayer is that he can leave this behind him and go on and be a happy, healthy young man.”

Because nothing can scar a kid more than being the most envied 14-year old in America, known nationwide as The Kid Who Banged His Hot Blonde Teacher.

The lasting psychological damage of this is devastating. What a crushing blow to know that you’re just 14 years old, and you’ve already gotten the hottest piece of ass of your life.

Sorry, son. It’s all downhill from here.