CIA couple outed by 5-year-old son

The Washington couple at the heart of the CIA leak investigation had their cover blown by their small son as they tried to sneak away on vacation on Thursday.

“My daddy’s famous, my mommy’s a secret spy,” declared the 5-year-old of his parents, former diplomat Joe Wilson and retired CIA operative Valerie Plame.

President Bush called for an investigation into the leak, dispatching two dozen Secret Service agents to apprehend the boy before he could escape on an overseas flight.

After 14 hours of intense interrogation, the boy confessed to leaking his mother’s undercover CIA status to conservative pundit Robert Novak. In addition, he made the shocking revelation that his mother has been working deep undercover as … Santa Claus.

Stunned by the allegations, President Bush demanded that an immediate inquiry be launched by the FBI’s North Pole office. He also ordered the Postal Service to intercept his letter to Santa, holding it in a secure location in the National Archives until the investigation is complete.

In a nationally televised speech, the President addressed the issue. “If this boy is telling the truth — and I know I speak for all of America when I say we pray that he is not — we are looking at the biggest scandal since the Easter Bunny incident of 1978.”

“First, the Easter Bunny. Now, Santa Claus. What’s next … the Tooth Fairy?”

Nevada tanning salon gets 9/11 loan: audit

A Texas golf course, a Nevada tanning salon and an Illinois candy shop were among small businesses that may have improperly received U.S. subsidized loans intended for firms hurt by the September 11 attacks, an internal government watchdog has found.

I’m disturbed that the government has such a narrow view of what it means for a business to be hurt by the attacks on 9/11.

True, not every business was affected as directly as those in New York City. But it’s no coincidence that business at Alan’s Ass-tastic Ass Wax went south after the attacks.

People were saying to themselves, “All those people lost their lives — it would be insensitive of me to treat myself to the luxurious silky smoothness of an efficiently waxed anus.”

The Illinois candy shop received $21,250 in guarantees but could not back up its claim that the attacks had delayed the shop’s opening, the report said.

Of course they had to delay their opening! What kind of liberal pinko commie fag opens a candy shop at a time of national tragedy? We had just been attacked on our own soil by a faceless, merciless enemy — it was no time for Gummi Sharks and Super Sour Pucker Pops!

If I owned a candy shop, I would’ve done the same thing. Fuck the grand opening. Hell, fuck candy. I’d start selling guns. That’d be the American thing to do. Shut down the shop for a few days, fill the jellybean dispensers with Black Talon armor-piercing bullets.

Because, after all, the only thing sweeter than candy is vengeance.

Cheney Says President Has Spying Authority

Vice President Dick Cheney on Tuesday called for “strong and robust” presidential powers, saying executive authority was eroded during the Watergate and Vietnam eras.

I don’t think Presidential power should be limited at all, really. If the President requires the power to spy on Americans without a warrant, so be it.

If the President wants to wear a crown and velvet robes, more power to him. I was getting tired of all those drab business suits anyway.

A scepter? Sure! Nothing in the Constitution prohibits the President from wielding a scepter. Go right ahead.

Of course, we’ll call you “Your Highness,” Mr. Pres — er, Your Highness.

“I would argue that the actions that we’ve taken there are totally appropriate and consistent with the constitutional authority of the president,” [Cheney said.]

Sure you would. Of course, you’d also argue that you personally should be allowed to kill and eat anyone who questions your authority. Or, at very least, gnaw their faces off.

I’m not so sure I agree with your argument that the Constitution implicitly authorizes the President to go through my sock drawer to confiscate my copies of Ass Happy.

And I’m still a little shaky on which amendment it was that authorized the President to read my diary to redact any examples of “filthy thinkin’”.

Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn., asked: “Why didn’t the administration feel that it could go to the FISA court to get the warrant?”

I guess they felt that the court wouldn’t accept the President’s “I don’t like the looks of them varmints” as proper justification for a warrant.

The courts also apparently find Dick Cheney’s “they’re evil because I said so” a tad unconvincing.

“Any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it requires — a wiretap requires a court order,” Bush said during a speech on the Patriot Act in Buffalo, N.Y. “Nothing has changed, by the way. When we’re talking about chasing down terrorists, we’re talking about getting a court order before we do so.”

When he said nothing has changed, what he meant was that nothing has changed … except that there’s an NSA guy in your bathroom right now, attaching an electronic listening device to the bottom of your toilet. Did he forget to mention that?

Well, regardless … it’s essential that the government gather information vital to protecting national security. If the NSA toilet tap detects an unusual increase in frequency or consistency of your bowel movements, then that may indicate an increased consumption of spicy foods.

Spicy foods are often found in Middle Eastern restaurants. You know what else is often found in those restaurants?

That’s right. Terrorists.

While the consumption of spicy Middle Eastern food doesn’t necessarily mean you’re involved in an international terrorist conspiracy, the government isn’t taking any chances. In other words, say hello to Guantanamo!

You are now Enemy Combatant 45222, as you’ll be known throughout your indefinite detention.

Next time, order pizza.

Bush: Race Not a Factor in Katrina Response

Bush defended Vice President Dick Cheney’s pre-war assertion that the United States would be welcomed in Iraq as liberators.

“I think we are welcomed,” he said. “But it was not a peaceful welcome.”

Bush makes a key distinction here that a lot of folks miss. Most people, like the people who write the dictionary, think that “welcome” means “to receive with pleasure and hospitality.”

But no definition specifies that welcomes have to be peaceful. For example, when my sister came home from the hospital after her kidney transplant, we had a “Welcome Home” party. But instead of throwing confetti, we threw grenades.

Or, take my brother, for example. On the front step of his house, he has a welcome mat. But unlike most welcome mats, this one is rigged with an improvised explosive device. It says to the visitor, “We appreciate your presence at our home so much, we’d like to disembowel you with a deadly hail of ball bearings and rusty nails.”

Frist Predicts Deal on Anti-Torture Ban

“I think there will be clarification of what we mean. How aggressive can one be to get information — not torture, but, you know, what does degrading mean?” [said Frist.]

I would say “degrading” falls somewhere between forcing a prisoner to eat his own feces, and forcing him to appear on Last Call with Carson Daly.

If faced with such a choice, I think most self-respecting terrorists would crumble instantly, begging for mercy.

“By the grace of Allah, please don’t make me appear on TV with that dolt! Get me a case of bran muffins and a big spoon. I’ll tell you anything you want.”

Graham, R-S.C., said the U.S. policy on interrogating detainees “has been confusing, misleading, and our own troops have suffered because they don’t know what’s in bounds and what’s not.”

If you’re an interrogator wanting to know if a particular method of coercion is “degrading,” a good rule of thumb would be to ask yourself: “Is this the sort of thing I’d see someone doing on a reality show for a million dollars?”

If so … Yeah, it’s degrading.