Cheney Says President Has Spying Authority

Vice President Dick Cheney on Tuesday called for “strong and robust” presidential powers, saying executive authority was eroded during the Watergate and Vietnam eras.

I don’t think Presidential power should be limited at all, really. If the President requires the power to spy on Americans without a warrant, so be it.

If the President wants to wear a crown and velvet robes, more power to him. I was getting tired of all those drab business suits anyway.

A scepter? Sure! Nothing in the Constitution prohibits the President from wielding a scepter. Go right ahead.

Of course, we’ll call you “Your Highness,” Mr. Pres — er, Your Highness.

“I would argue that the actions that we’ve taken there are totally appropriate and consistent with the constitutional authority of the president,” [Cheney said.]

Sure you would. Of course, you’d also argue that you personally should be allowed to kill and eat anyone who questions your authority. Or, at very least, gnaw their faces off.

I’m not so sure I agree with your argument that the Constitution implicitly authorizes the President to go through my sock drawer to confiscate my copies of Ass Happy.

And I’m still a little shaky on which amendment it was that authorized the President to read my diary to redact any examples of “filthy thinkin’”.

Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn., asked: “Why didn’t the administration feel that it could go to the FISA court to get the warrant?”

I guess they felt that the court wouldn’t accept the President’s “I don’t like the looks of them varmints” as proper justification for a warrant.

The courts also apparently find Dick Cheney’s “they’re evil because I said so” a tad unconvincing.

“Any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it requires — a wiretap requires a court order,” Bush said during a speech on the Patriot Act in Buffalo, N.Y. “Nothing has changed, by the way. When we’re talking about chasing down terrorists, we’re talking about getting a court order before we do so.”

When he said nothing has changed, what he meant was that nothing has changed … except that there’s an NSA guy in your bathroom right now, attaching an electronic listening device to the bottom of your toilet. Did he forget to mention that?

Well, regardless … it’s essential that the government gather information vital to protecting national security. If the NSA toilet tap detects an unusual increase in frequency or consistency of your bowel movements, then that may indicate an increased consumption of spicy foods.

Spicy foods are often found in Middle Eastern restaurants. You know what else is often found in those restaurants?

That’s right. Terrorists.

While the consumption of spicy Middle Eastern food doesn’t necessarily mean you’re involved in an international terrorist conspiracy, the government isn’t taking any chances. In other words, say hello to Guantanamo!

You are now Enemy Combatant 45222, as you’ll be known throughout your indefinite detention.

Next time, order pizza.