Nevada tanning salon gets 9/11 loan: audit

A Texas golf course, a Nevada tanning salon and an Illinois candy shop were among small businesses that may have improperly received U.S. subsidized loans intended for firms hurt by the September 11 attacks, an internal government watchdog has found.

I’m disturbed that the government has such a narrow view of what it means for a business to be hurt by the attacks on 9/11.

True, not every business was affected as directly as those in New York City. But it’s no coincidence that business at Alan’s Ass-tastic Ass Wax went south after the attacks.

People were saying to themselves, “All those people lost their lives — it would be insensitive of me to treat myself to the luxurious silky smoothness of an efficiently waxed anus.”

The Illinois candy shop received $21,250 in guarantees but could not back up its claim that the attacks had delayed the shop’s opening, the report said.

Of course they had to delay their opening! What kind of liberal pinko commie fag opens a candy shop at a time of national tragedy? We had just been attacked on our own soil by a faceless, merciless enemy — it was no time for Gummi Sharks and Super Sour Pucker Pops!

If I owned a candy shop, I would’ve done the same thing. Fuck the grand opening. Hell, fuck candy. I’d start selling guns. That’d be the American thing to do. Shut down the shop for a few days, fill the jellybean dispensers with Black Talon armor-piercing bullets.

Because, after all, the only thing sweeter than candy is vengeance.