Religious Groups Get Chunk of AIDS Money

Conservative Christian allies of the president are pressing the U.S. foreign aid agency to give fewer dollars to groups that distribute condoms or work with prostitutes.

When I think of fighting AIDS, the first thing I think of is fewer condoms. I mean, seriously, why waste money on prophylactics when you can evangelize people into surpressing their natural biological urge to reproduce?

Watch how easy it is:

“I want to have sex.”

“Don’t.”

“Okay.”

See? It’s that easy.

I know whenever I’m considering having unsafe sex, I just ask myself, “Would I really be having sex with this person if I knew Christ was watching?”

It’s a trick question. See, the thing is, Christ is always watching. Sometimes he’s floating next to your bed. Other times he’s watching from your closet. Occasionally he pays $19.95 a month to watch through your webcam.

He’s quite the voyeur, Christ is. That thing with the Vaseline and the warm melon? Christ saw that.

The anal lube and the Barbara Bush mask? Yeah, he saw that too.

The drunken tryst with the trans-gendered midget, a leather clown, and Regis Philbin? Christ almost lost his lunch. But he watched anyway, because he is full of God’s love, and because he has never seen Regis do anything like that before.

(Except at Kathie Lee Gifford’s birthday party, but Christ was pretty wrecked and doesn’t remember much about that night, aside from some vaguely unsettling feelings whenever he sees a can of whipped frosting.)

Instead of having unsafe, un-Christian sex, I prefer to channel my sexual energy into more Christian activities, like murdering people who don’t believe in Jesus.

Here’s a perfect example. On Spring Break in Mexico last year, I had a chance to nail this hot University Of Miami cheerleader who just won the wet t-shirt contest for the third night in a row.

Flash forward twenty minutes and two tabs of Rohypnol later. I’m sitting on the ladies room sink, snorting coke and trying to convince this chick to let me anally rape her with a sweet Crucifix dildo I found in a dumpster in Tiajauna.

All of a sudden I get this feeling that there’s something vaguely un-Christian about what I’m doing. Like, if the Son Of Man was here right now, what would he do?

So I tell the girl to stop licking my balls — did I mention she was licking my balls? Anyway, I told her to stop, giving her some line about having to get back to the hotel to adopt an orphan. Then I went out and slaughtered an entire tribe of Mayan Indians who refused to renounce their pagan gods in favor of Christ’s love.

And you know what? It was the right thing to do. Nobody got AIDS, I got to experience the sweet spiritual orgasm of evangelical neo-imperialism, and somewhere in Mexico, there’s an orphan with a Christ dildo and a smile.

And that, my friends, is what Christianity is all about.

Among those winning grants were Samaritan’s Purse, which is run by [Billy] Graham’s son, Franklin. It says its mission is “meeting critical needs of victims of war, poverty, famine, disease and natural disaster while sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ.”

Unfortunately for the starving victims of natural disasters, Christ has Good News and he has Bad News.

The Good News is, Christ brought Snickers bars.

The Bad News is, you’ll have to join the Jesus Christ Fan Club in order to get them.

You don’t want to join? You like your own religion? We totally understand. Go ahead and worship your own God. We’ll be over here eating our Snickers. Our yummy, delicious, chocolately Snickers.

13 days? Wow. That’s a long time to go without food or water. I’ll bet some creamy caramel, roasted peanuts, and smooth milk chocolate would really hit the spot. But I totally respect your decision to stay with your own religion.

Mmmmm. Snickers.

Bin Laden Tape Won’t Raise Security Level

The White House firmly rejected bin Laden’s suggestion of a negotiated truce. “We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” Vice President Dick Cheney said in a television interview. “I think you have to destroy them.”

When it comes to negotiating with terrorists, Dick Cheney never asks “What Would Jesus Do?” Not unless the answer will be “slit his throat, then fuck the wound.”

On the flip side, when trying to decide how to torture terrorists in hell, Satan now asks himself “What Would Dick Cheney Do?” Then he scales it back a notch or two.

You ever see that video on the Discovery Channel where a cheetah chases down a terrified gazelle, ripping its throat out, then tearing open its chest to devour its still-beating heart?

Dick Cheney masturbates to that video.

Dick Cheney went to see torture-laden gorefest HOSTEL over the weekend. Remember the scene where the American businessman burns out the Asian girl’s eyeball with a blowtorch? It reminded Dick Cheney of pre-school.

Except in HOSTEL, the girl got away.

Google Rebuffs Feds on Search Requests

“Search engines now play such an important part in our daily lives that many people probably contact Google more often than they do their own mother,” said Thomas Burke, a San Francisco attorney.

“Just as most people would be upset if the government wanted to know how much you called your mother and what you talked about, they should be upset about this, too.”

I’m not sure that is really an accurate analogy. For example, I wouldn’t be terribly upset if the government wanted to know that I searched Google on Thursday to find a recipe for carrot cake.

I would, however, be extremely upset if the government wanted to know that I called my mother at 3 A.M. on Saturday looking for links to DoubleFistedClownAnus.com.

(For the record, carrot cake uses two cups of sugar, not one, and my mom says that GoatseTheClown.com has the hottest clown fisting porn she has ever seen.)

Republicans propose Congress ethics reforms

“We need to reform the rules so it’s clear beyond a shadow of a doubt what is ethically acceptable for members of Congress, of the House of Representatives and their staff,” Hastert … told reporters.

It’s about time. Until now, Congressmen have been left wondering, “Is it unethical for me to use my state’s education budget to buy private jets for oil executives in exchange for two tickets to see Mary-Kate And Ashley On Ice?”

It’s always a tough call. On one hand, that money could be better spent raising the state’s literacy rate up to 10%. On the other hand, Mary-Kate’s costume is so tight, you can actually see her inner labia when she does a split.

Now, the distinction is clear. State education budgets are NEVER to be tapped to buy private jets for oil execs. Those funds are explicitly earmarked for one purpose, and one purpose only: buying yachts for timber company CEO’s.

From now on, funds for private jet purchases are to be siphoned exclusively from pediatric AIDS research budgets.

It’s like they say in It’s A Wonderful Life. “Every time a child dies from gay cancer, a CEO gets his Gulfstream.”

Democrats, who have accused Republicans of fostering a culture of corruption, planned to unveil their own recommendations on Wednesday to reduce the clout of lobbyists in shaping legislation in the U.S. Capitol.

Finally, the Democrats step up to the plate. That’s exactly the plan this country needs. Why let lobbyists corrupt our representative democracy when corporations can do it just fine themselves?

Instead of funnelling bribes through lobbyists in the form of giant gold phalluses and under-the-table salaries to Senators’ retarded second cousins, the Democratic plan would allow corporations to just drop burlap sacks full of cash from helicopters right onto the Capitol steps.

And isn’t that what the Founding Fathers’ dream of a Great Society was all about? I still remember the old parable from Social Studies class, about George Washington cutting down the cherry tree.

George’s father asked him, “Did you chop down the cherry tree?”

“I cannot tell a lie,” said little George. “It was I.”

“But why?” asked his father. “Why would you do such a thing?”

“Because Weyerhauser paid for Martha’s breast implants, and sent me a longboat full of whores and coke.”

“Ahhh, I see,” said George’s father. “There is a lesson to be learned from all of this.”

“Yes, father? What is that lesson?”

“Next time, have them throw in some tickets to Mary-Kate And Ashley On Ice. I’ve heard her labia are breathtaking.”

Happiness is a merkin woven from David Hasselhoff’s chest hair.