Republicans propose Congress ethics reforms

“We need to reform the rules so it’s clear beyond a shadow of a doubt what is ethically acceptable for members of Congress, of the House of Representatives and their staff,” Hastert … told reporters.

It’s about time. Until now, Congressmen have been left wondering, “Is it unethical for me to use my state’s education budget to buy private jets for oil executives in exchange for two tickets to see Mary-Kate And Ashley On Ice?”

It’s always a tough call. On one hand, that money could be better spent raising the state’s literacy rate up to 10%. On the other hand, Mary-Kate’s costume is so tight, you can actually see her inner labia when she does a split.

Now, the distinction is clear. State education budgets are NEVER to be tapped to buy private jets for oil execs. Those funds are explicitly earmarked for one purpose, and one purpose only: buying yachts for timber company CEO’s.

From now on, funds for private jet purchases are to be siphoned exclusively from pediatric AIDS research budgets.

It’s like they say in It’s A Wonderful Life. “Every time a child dies from gay cancer, a CEO gets his Gulfstream.”

Democrats, who have accused Republicans of fostering a culture of corruption, planned to unveil their own recommendations on Wednesday to reduce the clout of lobbyists in shaping legislation in the U.S. Capitol.

Finally, the Democrats step up to the plate. That’s exactly the plan this country needs. Why let lobbyists corrupt our representative democracy when corporations can do it just fine themselves?

Instead of funnelling bribes through lobbyists in the form of giant gold phalluses and under-the-table salaries to Senators’ retarded second cousins, the Democratic plan would allow corporations to just drop burlap sacks full of cash from helicopters right onto the Capitol steps.

And isn’t that what the Founding Fathers’ dream of a Great Society was all about? I still remember the old parable from Social Studies class, about George Washington cutting down the cherry tree.

George’s father asked him, “Did you chop down the cherry tree?”

“I cannot tell a lie,” said little George. “It was I.”

“But why?” asked his father. “Why would you do such a thing?”

“Because Weyerhauser paid for Martha’s breast implants, and sent me a longboat full of whores and coke.”

“Ahhh, I see,” said George’s father. “There is a lesson to be learned from all of this.”

“Yes, father? What is that lesson?”

“Next time, have them throw in some tickets to Mary-Kate And Ashley On Ice. I’ve heard her labia are breathtaking.”