Bin Laden Tape Won’t Raise Security Level

The White House firmly rejected bin Laden’s suggestion of a negotiated truce. “We don’t negotiate with terrorists,” Vice President Dick Cheney said in a television interview. “I think you have to destroy them.”

When it comes to negotiating with terrorists, Dick Cheney never asks “What Would Jesus Do?” Not unless the answer will be “slit his throat, then fuck the wound.”

On the flip side, when trying to decide how to torture terrorists in hell, Satan now asks himself “What Would Dick Cheney Do?” Then he scales it back a notch or two.

You ever see that video on the Discovery Channel where a cheetah chases down a terrified gazelle, ripping its throat out, then tearing open its chest to devour its still-beating heart?

Dick Cheney masturbates to that video.

Dick Cheney went to see torture-laden gorefest HOSTEL over the weekend. Remember the scene where the American businessman burns out the Asian girl’s eyeball with a blowtorch? It reminded Dick Cheney of pre-school.

Except in HOSTEL, the girl got away.