Bush Promotes Health Accounts at Wendy’s

President Bush campaigned for his plan to expand health savings accounts on Wednesday here at the headquarters of the Wendy’s fast-food chain, declaring that his proposals were not just for the wealthy and would help some of the 45 million Americans who remain uninsured.

When I think of healthy living, a few things come to mind: cottage cheese … jogging … Jazzercise …

Oh, and Wendy’s. Home of the 1,500 calorie Triple Bacon Lard Burger with extra mayo (aka The Triple Bypass Burger).

The other half? It’s lodged in your aorta.

At first it seems counterintuitive. “Wait,” you may say to yourself, “how can a cheeseburger that comes with it’s own defibrillator be good for my health?”

But if you follow the logic, it makes perfect sense. You pick up the Triple Bacon Cheeseburger meal from the Wendy’s drive through. While you’re driving on the freeway, eating your burger and steering with your knees, your chloesterol skyrockets.

Your heart explodes.

You’re so busy clutching your chest in pain that you don’t have time to steer away from the schoolbus full of retarded kids you’re about to get into a head-on collision with. You hit the bus, dead kids go flying, and your ribcage is crushed against your steering wheel. The only thing that keeps you breathing is the straw from your Biggie Frosty, which the airbag impales in your neck like a tracheotomy tube.

You and the handful of retarded kids who aren’t killed on impact are rushed to the hospital. And who works at hospitals? That’s right. Doctors.

Free with any Wendy’s meal

They charge you a lot of money to reconstruct your skull, and since it’ll take a pneumatic jackhammer to chisel the plaque from the Wendy’s burger out of your arteries, your only option is to have a baboon’s heart transplant.

With that kind of money floating around, a lot of kids are gonna want to grow up to be doctors. Or baboons.

The point is, they more money you give to the docotors to pay for your prosthetic limbs and organ transplants, the more people will want to become doctors. More people becoming doctors means more doctors to shock you back to life after your baboon heart ruptures in the middle of Wendy’s Big Bacon Classic Meal Deal #5.

And that, my friends, is good for your health.

“It’s kind of basically saying, ‘If you’re not making a lot of money, you can’t make decisions for yourself,’ ” Mr. Bush told Wendy’s employees assembled in the company’s lobby. “That’s kind of a Washington attitude, isn’t it. ‘We’ll decide for you, you can’t figure it out yourself.’ I think a lot of folks here at Wendy’s would argue that point of view is just simply backwards and not true.”

I think a lot of folks at Wendy’s would make that argument, if they weren’t busy jerking off in the mayonnaise and holding contests to see who can hold his head in the deep fryer the longest.

Decisions, decisions …

Of course, a lot of folks at Wendy’s would also argue that a doublewide trailer could be floated across the Atlantic Ocean, theoretically, if you had enough empty beer kegs, and you didn’t bring fat Aunt Edna, and if you got rid of all of your Playboy’s, except the ones with that chick from The Price Is Right.

The fact is, Wendy’s employees make important decisions all day long. It starts in the morning, when they have to decide whether to take a dump with their pants on or off. Then, depending on which way they go on that, they have to decide whether to use their toothbrush to clean their pants, or to brush their tooth.

And they keep making decisions all day long. Pabst Blue Ribbon or Milwaukee’s Best? Nude lady mudflaps or Yosemite Sam? Hunting squirrel or killing stray cats? Tastes Great or Less Filling? Oral with Carol now that her herpes sores have stopped oozing, or anal with Darlene but only if she locks her kids in the bathroom so they can’t watch this time?

They don’t want some suit in Washington making those decisions for them. If it was up to the politicians, everyone would be watching The West Wing, and Dog The Bounty Hunter would go off the air. What kind of country would this be without the Dog?

A much less safer kind, that’s what kind. You keep that in mind next time a Hawaiian meth head jumps bail, steals your Tivo, and trades it for a NASCAR t-shirt and a bag of weed.

“You see, it’s like car insurance,” Mr. Bush said. “If you change jobs, you can take your car insurance with you.”

Really? So if I move jobs from being fry guy at Wendy’s to being mayo-on-the-bun guy at Burger King, I can still keep the Bentley insured by Geico? That’s cool, because I really like that little lizard dude who sold me my policy.

[Thanks to Ari Emanuel at HuffPo for the link]

Cheney: ‘You Can’t Blame Anybody Else’

Senior advisers to President Bush worried that Cheney’s silence had suggested a possible cover-up, and Cheney acknowledged that he delayed an announcement over the advice of Bush’s press advisers.

“We really didn’t know until Sunday morning that Harry was probably going to be OK, that it looked like there hadn’t been any serious damage to any vital organ,” he said. “And that’s when we began the process of notifying the press.”

Anyone who suggests that this is anything less than standard procedure clearly knows nothing about the White House’s media policy. There always has been and always will be a 24-hour window between an event like this and its announcement to the press.

If they reported the shooting before they knew if the victim was going to be okay, they wouldn’t know what kind of crime they’d be covering up. Is it murder? Negligent homicide? Failure to signal when approaching the Vice President from behind?

Besides, the White House can’t just throw together a press conference at a moment’s notice. Someone has to set up the folding chairs. They need to make punch. Potato salad. Seven-layer dip. Someone has to rouse Scott McClellan from a Vicodan-induced haze of self-loathing.

Plus, they need adequate lead time to assess the situation, to confirm all the facts, and to let Dick Cheney sober up.

“The image of him falling is something I’ll never ever be able to get out of my mind,” Cheney told Fox’s Brit Hume. “I fired, and there’s Harry falling. It was, I’d have to say, one of the worst days of my life at that moment.”

I can understand why he would be upset. Dick Cheney isn’t used to firing a weapon and seeing his victim falling. Dick Cheney is used to seeing them evaporate into a cloud of blood and semi-solid matter.

Often, when the sunlight refracts through the blood mist, Dick Cheney sees a rainbow.

Cheney … agreed with [the] decision to choose the Corpus Christi Caller-Times as the way to get the news out.

“I thought that made good sense because you can get as accurate a story as possible from somebody who knew and understood hunting and then it would immediately go up to the wires and be posted on the Web site, which is the way it went out and I thought that was the right call,” Cheney said.

Contrary to the critics’ assertions, this is actually quite a standard way of releasing major White House news.

For example, when Scooter Libby was indicted, the news was first released through Mary Sue Baskin’s CatLuvRz Blog (www.livejournal.com/blogs/~poughkeepsie/catluvrz/index.html).

Do you have any idea how many people visit that blog every day looking for tips on making homemade cat toys? Dozens.

It’s inevitable that at least one of those people knows someone who knows someone who is in a knitting circle with the nephew of an AP reporter. And just like that, the news rockets ’round the world.

Similarly, Tom DeLay’s indictment was initially reported on page 34 of the Brooks Glen, South Dakota Pennysaver coupon booklet. Now, if the White House was really trying to downplay the incident, would they have published it right next to a coupon for Free Pot Roast?

I think not.

Cheney responded, “The accuracy was enormously important. I had no press person with me.”

When I think accuracy, I think the Corpus Christi Caller-Times.

Did you read their expose last month on corn rust and stalk rot? Investigative reporting at its finest. Editor-In-Chief/Political Cartoonist/Delivery Boy Merle Branson is a master at getting to the meat of a story. Plus, he always throws the paper onto my porch, so it doesn’t get wet from my sprinklers.

Doesn’t get more accurate than that, my friend.

“I had a bit of the feeling that the press corps was upset because, to some extent, it was about them – they didn’t like the idea that we called the Corpus Christi Caller-Times instead of The New York Times,” [Cheney] said. “But it strikes me that the Corpus Christi Caller-Times is just as valid a news outlet as The New York Times is, especially for covering a major story in south Texas.”

The press corps can be such a bunch of babies. It’s “me me me” all of the time. Well, if they want to continue reporting on the White House, they’re going to have to learn to share.

The fact is, the Corpus Christi Caller-Times is a respectable journalistic enterprise. Sure, their circulation isn’t as high as the New York Times. But I’ll have you know that their output has more than doubled ever since the Corpus Christi Junior High donated that second photocopier.

Horrific New Torture Pictures Released

MORE photographs have been leaked of Iraqi citizens tortured by US soldiers at the notorious Abu Ghraib prison on the outskirts of Baghdad.

Boy, some people just don’t know how to let bygones be bygones. Sure, you were hung upside down and naked from your bunk bed while being anally raped by a broom handle. But that was like two years ago. Isn’t it about time we all move on?

I mean, think about all that has changed in the last two years. Britney Spears had a baby. Paris Hilton broke up with Nick Carter. The West Wing got cancelled. It’s like a different world now.

Hell, a movie about gay cowboys is one of the top films of the year. Isn’t that enough for you guys?

Man Shot by Cheney Has Mild Heart Attack

The 78-year-old lawyer wounded by Vice President Dick Cheney in a hunting accident suffered a mild heart attack Tuesday after a shotgun pellet in his chest traveled to his heart, hospital officials said.

A shotgun pellet travelled to his heart? That doesn’t sound medically sound. I think there’s something else going on here.

What really happened is that Harry Whittington woke up and saw that he had survived Dick Cheney’s initial assault. His heart seized when he realized that his survival could mean only one thing:

Dick Cheney would be back to finish the job.

Whittington suffered a “silent heart attack” ? obstructed blood flow, but without the classic heart-attack symptoms of pain and pressure, according to doctors at Christus Spohn Hospital Corpus Christi-Memorial.

The irony of this “silent heart attack” will not be apparent until Whittington’s inevitable death from a “screaming brain hemmorhage.”

That’s what happens to a man when he realizes that the person in the bed next to his is not a car accident victim with severe facial trauma as previously thought, but is instead Dick Cheney, wearing that victim’s face as a flesh mask disguise.

I’ll bet you thought Hannibal Lecter thought that one up. Nope. It was Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney taught Hannibal Lecter everything he knows.

Remember when Hannibal Lecter ate a census taker’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti? That was Dick Cheney’s recipe.

The doctors said they decided to treat the situation conservatively and leave the pellet alone rather than operate to remove it. They said they are highly optimistic Whittington will recover and live a healthy life with the pellet in him.

This seems like an accurate assessment of the situation. Of course, Whittington’s healthy life will last approximately 8.3 seconds, right up to the point Dick Cheney puts a crossbow bolt between his eyes from a nearby rooftop.

Cheney was using 7 1/2 shot from a 28-gauge shotgun. Shotgun pellets are typically made of steel or lead; the pellets in 7 1/2 shot are just under a tenth of an inch in diameter.

If I have my calculations correct, that’s approximately 10 times the size of Dick Cheney’s heart, before it was removed and replaced with a polished sphere of pure granite.

Analysis: Cheney Forced Onto Center Stage

Cheney, 65, whose “favorable” rating was just 24 percent in a recent CBS-New York Times poll, has found himself in other storms swirling around the Bush presidency.

I feel that these numbers are misleading. The results were clearly biased by the liberal media’s anti-conservative agenda when choosing who to include in the survey.

For example, if the poll had been widened to include serial killers and sewer rats, Cheney’s approval rating would have been around 45%. Toss in people who eat babies and human meat salesmen, and those numbers shoot up to 62%

To balance out the incredibly biased CBS-New York Times survey, Fox News did their own poll. They found that 100% of people named Dick Cheney approve of Dick Cheney.

“Vice presidents can get away with hitting people with golf balls, but they can’t get away with shooting people with shotguns.”

If their name is Dick Cheney, yes they can. Dick Cheney has gotten away with much worse in the last five years.

Remember Finland? Little country, northern Europe? Yeah, that’s gone now. Dick Cheney went there on vacation once. He liked it so much, he claimed it as his own, naming himself Supreme Chancellor of Cheneyland.

Naturally, the people of Finland were none to happy with this, so they sent their smartest, strongest warrior to Dick Cheney’s hotel room to explain to him that he couldn’t just go into another country and claim it as his own. The warrior was authorized to use any and all means of deadly force to resolve the issue.

When the tortured screams of agony subsided, Dick Cheney called housekeeping to come clean up the mess. Those maids had seen a lot of things in their days, but they will never forget the day they saw Dick Cheney wearing the flayed skin of the smartest, strongest warrior in Finland.

The point is, something as minor as shooting someone in the face with a shotgun is child’s play for Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney has done worse things in his sleep. To his wife.

You know that razor-studded strap-on the killer used to fuck a woman to death in SEVEN? That was Dick Cheney’s. He loaned it to the production while he was testing a prototype of a new barbed-wire butt plug. Lynne Cheney didn’t shit brown for a month after that.

Back when Dick Cheney was Secretary Of Defense, he fucked a hooker with a Gatling gun. It’s okay though. It wasn’t loaded. At least that’s what Dick Cheney told the coroner as he helped him scrape the hooker’s clitoris off the ceiling.

“Cheney is like a member of the Bush family. The president would no sooner push Cheney overboard than he would Jeb,” Baker said, referring to Bush brother Jeb Bush, the governor of Florida.

That’s because the president knows that pushing Dick Cheney overboard would just mean that Dick Cheney would cling to the bottom of the boat until it got back to the dock.

Dick Cheney: Cutest Baby Ever

Can Dick Cheney hold his breath that long? He doesn’t have to. Dick Cheney has gills. Turns out Dick Cheney’s great-grandfather on his mother’s side was part shark. I guess that explains Dick Cheney’s multiple rows of razor-edged teeth.

Dick Cheney goes through dentists like Dick Cheney’s teeth go through a human trachea.

Remember that scene in CAPE FEAR where DeNiro clings to the bottom of the family’s truck while they try to escape? That’s how Dick Cheney met his wife. Romance is Dick Cheney’s middle name.

Okay, Romance isn’t actually Dick Cheney’s middle name. That’s just a figure of speech. Everyone knows Dick Cheney’s real middle name is “Thaddeus Warmonger”. He doesn’t use it much. It’s kind of embarrassing.

Dick Cheney always wished he had a normal middle name, like “Michael” or “David” or even “Bradley.” But when Dick Cheney was born, his parents looked deep into the soulless cavities where he eyes should be, and the name came to them like a vision.

“We shall call him Richard Thaddeus Warmonger Cheney. Or just Dick, for short.”

Dick Cheney never forgave his parents for his horrid middle name, which is part of the reason he chopped them into little pieces and fed them to his Rottweiler.

Even as a four-year old, Dick Cheney had anger issues.