Man Shot by Cheney Has Mild Heart Attack

The 78-year-old lawyer wounded by Vice President Dick Cheney in a hunting accident suffered a mild heart attack Tuesday after a shotgun pellet in his chest traveled to his heart, hospital officials said.

A shotgun pellet travelled to his heart? That doesn’t sound medically sound. I think there’s something else going on here.

What really happened is that Harry Whittington woke up and saw that he had survived Dick Cheney’s initial assault. His heart seized when he realized that his survival could mean only one thing:

Dick Cheney would be back to finish the job.

Whittington suffered a “silent heart attack” ? obstructed blood flow, but without the classic heart-attack symptoms of pain and pressure, according to doctors at Christus Spohn Hospital Corpus Christi-Memorial.

The irony of this “silent heart attack” will not be apparent until Whittington’s inevitable death from a “screaming brain hemmorhage.”

That’s what happens to a man when he realizes that the person in the bed next to his is not a car accident victim with severe facial trauma as previously thought, but is instead Dick Cheney, wearing that victim’s face as a flesh mask disguise.

I’ll bet you thought Hannibal Lecter thought that one up. Nope. It was Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney taught Hannibal Lecter everything he knows.

Remember when Hannibal Lecter ate a census taker’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti? That was Dick Cheney’s recipe.

The doctors said they decided to treat the situation conservatively and leave the pellet alone rather than operate to remove it. They said they are highly optimistic Whittington will recover and live a healthy life with the pellet in him.

This seems like an accurate assessment of the situation. Of course, Whittington’s healthy life will last approximately 8.3 seconds, right up to the point Dick Cheney puts a crossbow bolt between his eyes from a nearby rooftop.

Cheney was using 7 1/2 shot from a 28-gauge shotgun. Shotgun pellets are typically made of steel or lead; the pellets in 7 1/2 shot are just under a tenth of an inch in diameter.

If I have my calculations correct, that’s approximately 10 times the size of Dick Cheney’s heart, before it was removed and replaced with a polished sphere of pure granite.