Schwarzenegger to order troops to border

“It is not my preference to send the National Guard, but there’s an important need to protect the border,” [Schwarzenegger] said.

Damn straight there is. Personally, I can’t sleep at night unless I know there’s a battalion of trigger-happy 18-year-old soldiers with PTSD still twitching from their fourth stop-lossed tour of Iraq guarding our borders. How else are we supposed to stop all these filthy immigrants from invading our country to clean our toilets, valet park our cars, and raise our celebrities’ kids?

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’m looking forward to the day when I have to choose between working 14 hours in the blazing sun to pick my own strawberries, or mortgaging my house to buy a watermelon from the supermarket.

Right To Work: This Harvard grad will finally get to put his MBA in Business Administration to work when he starts his new job selling oranges from a stolen shopping cart on a freeway offramp.

I’m sick of all these wetbacks sneaking into the country, taking jobs away from good, hard-working Americans. Thanks to our porous borders, Manuel Rodriguez from Ixtapa has a job cleaning septic tanks for $2.50 an hour, and Stanford Whitmore from Connecticut is still looking for work. And I’m guessing that Manuel doesn’t have to pay back loans on a Harvard MBA. How is that fair? That’s right. It’s not.

Newsflash, Paco: If you want to come to our country, you don’t swim across a river of sewage, slip under a chainlink fence, and dodge your way across 8 lanes of traffic while under heavy automatic weapons fire.

Instead, you do it the legal way: sell your 10-year-old sister as a sex slave to a drug lord to pay for the $120 visa application fee, smuggle a balloon full of heroin in your anus for money to bribe the police to allow safe passage to the post office so you can mail the application, wait 4 years for the application to be processed and rejected, dig a tunnel under the perimeter fence at the Mexico City airport, sneak into the wheel well of an Aeromexico jumbo jet, and cling to the landing gear in an airless, sub-zero environment for six hours at 37,000 feet.

Sound too difficult? Well, too bad, compadre. This is America we’re talking about. The American dream doesn’t come cheap. You wanna come to our country and do menial jobs for less than a living wage? You’re gonna have to work for it. We don’t hand those out on a silver platter.

Remember … Washing dishes for 75 cents an hour is a privilege, not a right.

It also establishes rules of engagement prohibiting Guardsmen from handling detainees, but allowing them to carry guns. The rules are similar to those the California Guard follows when deploying to a riot, officials said.

This is an extremely important provision. Why handle a detainee when you can just shoot him from a sniper tower a half-mile away? It’s cleaner that way, and then there’s less chance of coming in contact with germs that could turn you Mexican.