Challenger Seeks Probe of Rep. Foley’s E-Mails to Boy, 16

Foley, 52, has served in the House for six terms and is seeking reelection. He said that the five e-mails he wrote to the boy were harmless and that their publication is part of an attempt by Democrats to smear him.

Here we go again. The liberal smear machine is revving up just in time for the mid-term elections. How convenient that, just six weeks away from Election Day, these baseless allegations suddenly surface.

Here are the facts on Rep. Mark Foley:

• He is the Chairman of the House Caucus On Missing And Exploited Children.
• He has crusaded for tough laws against those who use the Internet for the sexual exploitation of children.
• He usually masturbates with his hand and some lotion, he is never too tired to jerk off, and he has a fetish for steamrooms.

In other words, he is a fine, upstanding American citizen, no different than you or me. But because he is a public figure, suddenly sexually explicit IM conversations with 16-year-old boys become a big deal.

I mean, what 52-year-old man hasn’t IM’d about masturbation with a high school boy at some point in his life? It’s only in today’s superheated political atmosphere that innocent correspondence like “Did any girl give you a hand job this weekend?” or “Did you spank it this weekend yourself?” can be construed to be anything other than friendly father-son banter between friends.

It’s an election year, so all of a sudden, a middle-aged Congressman asking a high school kid to describe the manner in which he masturbates and his techniques for disposing of ejaculate is a bad thing.

Rep. Mark Foley, in a totally non-ironic expression of affection for his 16-year-old intern.

I remember a time — I believe Reagan was President — when men could openly discuss slipping the boxer shorts off a horny high school lacrosse player without it blowing up into a national scandal. Oh, how I long for those simpler times.

I’ll never forget the time my local Senator visited my Boy Scout troop in rural New Jersey. Not only did he give a tremendously informative presentation on how a bill becomes a law, but he also demonstrated his face-down-with-ass-pumping-in-the-air masturbation technique.

At first, I’ll admit, we were all confused and somewhat disturbed. But luckily, that Senator was kind enough to take time from his busy schedule to engage our troop in an afternoon of mutual masturbation. Plus, we made smores.

It’s one of the sweetest memories of my childhood and yet … it could never happen today. If it did, the Washington Post would be calling, Keith Olbermann would be doing Special Comments, and the FBI would want to dust my wang for prints.

It’s sad. It’s sad for Mark Foley. It’s sad for America. And it’s sad for all future harmless man-boy discussions of erections and penis size.

Jesus, Moses, Esther dolls offer Bible verses, hugs

Huggable Jesus is just one of the “the dolls that love you back,” offered by a couple of biblical doll-makers in Boston[.]

I’m sure I’m not the only one for whom the words “the dolls that love you back” conjur images of a leering, Chucky-like Jesus crawling out of the toy chest, slipping under the bedsheets, and playing “part the Red Sea” with your inner labia.

Dolls don’t need to love you back. That’s what parents are for.

[The] plush dolls “pack fun and faith into one lovable, kid-sized package.”

Don’t be deceived. Despite all the fun and faith packed into its tiny body, Huggable Jesus still has plenty of room for intolerance and homophobia. (Tote bag full of hypocrisy sold separately).

Huggable Esther, resplendent in purple and wearing a crown, shares philosophy from the book of the Bible bearing her name: “God had a plan for my life just like he has one for yours.”

Unfortunately, his plan for your life involves hate crime, meth addiction and an unusual death involving a sex swing and something called the Fuckhammer^TM.

The website calls the dolls “a wholesome alternative to teddy bears and stuffed animals”.

Our society is at its lowest point in history, crumbling under the weight of its own sin into an abyss of rape, murder, and men in hot pants. Some people blame the disintegration of the family unit. Others blame the loss of respect for human dignity.

Bow to the Dark Lord, Prince Of Serpents.

I blame teddy bears.

Sure, they’re cute and cuddly. That’s what makes them so dangerous. Most people think Satan will come to Earth looking like a horned serpent, or Doctor Phil. But those of us who study biblical philosophy know that Satan’s most deadly manifestation looks suspiciously similar to Teddy Ruxpin.

I mean, come on — a talking teddy bear? What is this, The Future? Where are the jet packs and ice cream capsules? Think about it, people! It’s nothing short of nefarious!

Oh yeah, he starts off harmless enough. It’s, “Let’s read a bedtime story!” or “Can you can count to ten?” But give him a few weeks, and things start to change. Next thing you know, it’s “Shave the dog’s balls!” or “Pee in mommy’s soup!” or “Touch Billy Marsten’s naughty bits!”

Thank God for Huggable Jesus. At least now there’s someone on the toy shelf to intervene when Teddy tries to anally violate My Pretty Pony.

Again.

In the old days, one might see an interesting gentleman walking down the street and wonder, “What could be going through that fella’s head right about now?”

Probably something about marmalade, or pipe tobacco, or possibly thoughts of a lovely music box which he has just purchased for a girl he is courting.

Or, if one was on the seedy side of town, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to wonder if that gentleman was thinking about liquor, or backgammon, or possibly even ladies undergarments.

Today, thanks to the wonders of Google, we can actually peer — if only for a second — into the minds of our fellow men. A man’s Google search provides a glimpse into his soul. What troubles him? What interests him? What arouses his curiosity?

As a dedicated student of human nature, I often peruse the search statistics for this site to learn what brings people here. Often visitors arrive looking for “george bush video” or “bush mistakes” or “anti-bush video”.

That means, as I browse the site, I am having a communal experience with other like-minded individuals all around the world. We are all on hategun, and we are all thinking the same thing: George Bush is a douchebag. It’s almost as if we form a virtual super-brain of liberal political thought. I have always found comfort in that.

Until today.

What makes today different? Today is the day that a visitor from Chicago (Go Bears!) arrived through a Google search for “inserting salamander into vagina“.

Now, I like salamanders. And Lord knows I like vaginas. But somehow, it never occurred to me to combine the two. Both are cute and cuddly and moist, yet each has always occupied different parts of my brain:

1. Amphibious quadropeds over here.
2. Female genitalia over there.

Now I have to wonder: is our virtual super-brain really thinking about the global implications of American hegemony? Or is it instead thinking about how to cram an amphibian up a girl’s cooter?

Maybe I’m the only one concerned with the dangerous proliferation of political rhetoric, and all of you are off in some weird, perverted alternate universe of human-salamander love trysts. Maybe the evangelicals are right. Maybe legalizing gay marriage really does open the door to ungodly unions of man and beast.

Oh Lord, what have I done?! There’s no turning back now! We’ve entered a dark time of sexual perversity. Men and yaks! Women and wombats! Orgies of children and sea monkeys! Where will it end, God, where will it END?!!!

Oh.

Wait.

It just did.

Another Google search has just appeared in the site statistics. And suddenly, I feel calm again. At peace. The world is as it should be.

Why? Because someone just landed here searching Google for “human hairy balls“.

Not just any hairy balls, mind you. Human hairy balls. As in, “Show me the testicles of homo sapiens, and no others.”

Don’t show me sheep nuts. Don’t show me a camel sack. Don’t even show me human balls unnaturally shorn of their glorious, wiry locks. No! Show me only human, hairy, God-fearing, red-blooded, American balls.

At least one among us is primarily thinking about human hairy balls. But that’s not so far from what the rest of us are thinking: George Bush is a dick.

And so equilibrium returns to the hategun global super-brain.

UPDATE: Extra! Extra! This just in! Hategun comes up #1 in Google search results for “vagina eating bug“. More details as they become available …

Fugitive’s son gets kidney transplant

[A] federal judge released his father, Byron Perkins, from jail so he could complete medical tests before his son’s surgery.

At the time, Perkins was awaiting a possible life sentence following a conviction on drug, weapons and other charges.

Doctors said Perkins appeared to be a perfect match for his son.

On the final day of hospital tests, Perkins failed to show up. … [He] has been on the run ever since.

Good thing the kid didn’t need a heart transplant. Not much Dad could do in that department.

Burns says terrorists drive taxis by day

Republican Sen. Conrad Burns, whose recent comments have stirred controversy, says the United States is up against a faceless enemy of terrorists who “drive taxi cabs in the daytime and kill at night.”

I’m getting sick and tired of liberals excoriating an honest politician for doing nothing more than speaking an unpopular truth. Everyone knows that taxi drivers are statistically the most likely to murder after sunset. But God forbid someone actually mentions that fact in a public forum.

I mean, really, what’s next? Are we going to start criticizing our politicians every time they point out the well-known fact that blacks are better athletes because their were bred to pull plows, or that Jews control the world money supply from an underground bunker on Long Island?

Do we sound the alarm whenever a Republican makes passing reference to women’s well-documented intellectual inferiority? We all have mothers, wives, and sisters. We’ve all seen firsthand women’s diminished mental capacity. My wife can’t even lick a stamp without an instruction book and a 6-week correspondence course.

Jews eat babies. Black men render white women’s vaginas useless with their massive genitals. American Indians scalp white people with tomahawks and steal their booze. These are the facts. So why should we get bent out of shape when one of our elected representatives points it out in a nationally televised speech?

The campaign said Thursday that the senator was simply pointing out terrorists can be anywhere.

“The point is there are terrorists that live amongst us. Not only here, but in Britain and the entire world,” said spokesman Jason Klindt. “Whether they are taxi drivers or investment bankers, the fact remains that this is a new type of enemy.”

It’s really a question of clarity. If he had said we’re up against a faceless enemy of terrorists who “provide strategic advisory services for corporate mergers and acquisitions in the daytime and kill at night,” it just wouldn’t have had the same ring to it.

People would have been confused. They’d be thinking, “Wait a minute. Does this mean that Christian Witherspoon from the Churchill Club might be a terrorist?” Obviously, that’s not what the good Senator was trying to communicate.

Only one of these nocturnal killers drives a taxi. Can you guess which one?

By specifying that the faceless enemy drives taxi cabs, he is clearly distinguishing that he is talking about brown people. Usually with turbans and funny sounding names who smell like curry.

The taxi cab reference also helps us make the important distinction between terrorists and another dangerous breed of murderers who kill at night: vampires.

Vampires don’t drive taxis. Terrorists do. This important distinction allows us to focus our efforts on defeating the real terrorists instead of wasting time fighting an unwinnable war against an army of the undead.

Without Senator Burns’ insightful comment, we could find ourselves trying to drive a wooden stake through bin Laden’s heart, while 10,000 elite troops are sent to ferret Dracula out of a cave in Tora Bora.