Challenger Seeks Probe of Rep. Foley’s E-Mails to Boy, 16

Foley, 52, has served in the House for six terms and is seeking reelection. He said that the five e-mails he wrote to the boy were harmless and that their publication is part of an attempt by Democrats to smear him.

Here we go again. The liberal smear machine is revving up just in time for the mid-term elections. How convenient that, just six weeks away from Election Day, these baseless allegations suddenly surface.

Here are the facts on Rep. Mark Foley:

• He is the Chairman of the House Caucus On Missing And Exploited Children.
• He has crusaded for tough laws against those who use the Internet for the sexual exploitation of children.
• He usually masturbates with his hand and some lotion, he is never too tired to jerk off, and he has a fetish for steamrooms.

In other words, he is a fine, upstanding American citizen, no different than you or me. But because he is a public figure, suddenly sexually explicit IM conversations with 16-year-old boys become a big deal.

I mean, what 52-year-old man hasn’t IM’d about masturbation with a high school boy at some point in his life? It’s only in today’s superheated political atmosphere that innocent correspondence like “Did any girl give you a hand job this weekend?” or “Did you spank it this weekend yourself?” can be construed to be anything other than friendly father-son banter between friends.

It’s an election year, so all of a sudden, a middle-aged Congressman asking a high school kid to describe the manner in which he masturbates and his techniques for disposing of ejaculate is a bad thing.

Rep. Mark Foley, in a totally non-ironic expression of affection for his 16-year-old intern.

I remember a time — I believe Reagan was President — when men could openly discuss slipping the boxer shorts off a horny high school lacrosse player without it blowing up into a national scandal. Oh, how I long for those simpler times.

I’ll never forget the time my local Senator visited my Boy Scout troop in rural New Jersey. Not only did he give a tremendously informative presentation on how a bill becomes a law, but he also demonstrated his face-down-with-ass-pumping-in-the-air masturbation technique.

At first, I’ll admit, we were all confused and somewhat disturbed. But luckily, that Senator was kind enough to take time from his busy schedule to engage our troop in an afternoon of mutual masturbation. Plus, we made smores.

It’s one of the sweetest memories of my childhood and yet … it could never happen today. If it did, the Washington Post would be calling, Keith Olbermann would be doing Special Comments, and the FBI would want to dust my wang for prints.

It’s sad. It’s sad for Mark Foley. It’s sad for America. And it’s sad for all future harmless man-boy discussions of erections and penis size.