You know who cares about the environment more than almost anybody else? Massive industrial polluters.
Companies like ExxonMobil, Chevron, British Petroleum, and Dupont are spending millions of dollars on ad campaigns to remind people that they’re more than just the world’s largest producers of toxic waste, who have spent decades bespoiling the Earth and bankrolling wanton environmental destruction. They’re also sensitive companies doing everything in their power to help keep our planet clean.
Cutting emissions is easy. Investing in clean, renewable energy is passe. What this planet needs is a vision of the future as bold as the consequences are dire. It needs a solution that will make the world better for generations to come. It needs …
A commercial.
Or even better, several commercials. Maybe, say, a half-billion dollars worth of commercials.
Commercial where baby polar bears wrestle in the snow. Where elephants dance through rainforests. Where an old man walks with a boy through the woods, looking at trees.
They laugh. Eat granola. Point at rivers.
The boy smiles up at the old man and says something. We can’t hear him, but we know what he’s asking.
“Grandpa,” he says. “Is this the river you used to swim in when you were a boy?”
“Why, yes, Timmy. It is.”
“Can we swim in it? Oh please, can we?”
“No, I’m afraid we can’t.”
“Gee, Grandpa … why not?”
“Well, the water looks pretty cold. Also, it’s now a caustic mixture of polychlorinated biphneyls and dichlorodiphenyl trichloroethane, and it will probably melt your skin.”
“Your skin isn’t melted, Grandpa.”
“That’s because I’m not your real Grandpa. I’m just an actor. Your real grandpa died after a painful battle with an incredibly rare, incurable brain cancer caused by prolonged exposure to chemical waste.”
“Oh.”
“C’mon,” the old man says. “Let’s keep hiking. We only have ’til sundown to find a new mountain to strip mine.”
I think it’s time we give these companies some credit where credit is due. All we ever hear about them is propaganda from the far-left environmental movement, whining about, “You polluted our drinking water with millions of gallons of highly flammable solvent” or “Our pediatric cancer rates are 8,000 times higher than the national average.”
You know what? That’s a shame. I feel for you. But how about acknowledging the good these companies are doing?
For example, when your 8-year-old daughter needs to be put on a respirator after getting caught downwind from a refinery smokestack, where do you think the ambulance gets gas to drive her there? Is it stopping at the Greenpeace station to fuel up on vegetable oil and ethanol?
No. It’s stopping at the Exxon station for 35 gallons of unleaded, a box of rubbers, and a pack of Pall Malls.
And speaking of cigarettes, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the efforts of the major tobacco companies like Phillip Morris and R.J. Reynolds, who have fearlessly dedicated themselves to stopping people from using their products.
Never has an industry been so meticulous in spelling out the varied and specific ways in which their product can kill you.
“Lung cancer? Check. Emphysema? Check. Coronary heart disease? Check.
“Also, you can redeem your Marlboro bucks for a commemorative NASCAR trucker hat. I mean, if you smoked. Which you don’t. Because it’s very, very bad for you.
“You might think smoking makes you look sexy — and it does — but it’s a horrible, deadly habit. Sure, the mere sight of a cigarette dangling from your lips is guaranteed to cause beautiful women to repeatedly fellate you. But that’s no reason to start smoking. Seriously. Don’t do it. Unlimited blowjobs are not worth dying for.
“Ladies, we’re talking to you too. Just because cigarettes suppress the appetite and are guaranteed to help you lose 10 pounds and/or two dress sizes or your money back, doesn’t mean you should run out and take advantage of our special two-for-one deal from now through Friday.
“Just think: with all the money you save from not buying cigarettes, you can go out and buy some elastic-waistband mom jeans, and still have enough left over for Weight Watchers! You’ll have a healthy body at a healthy weight, with a healthy appetite to match. Who needs to look like a Victoria Secret model anyway?
“Finally, let us address one of the many rumors we’ve heard circulating about our product lately. For the record, we can neither confirm nor deny that smoking will bring you limitless wealth and possessions beyond your wildest dreams. However, we can assure you that they are both deadly and highly addictive. Plus, they’re delicious.”
The bottom line is that you might think all of these companies are just faceless, soulless corporations, but they’re not. They’re run by people just like you or me, give or take a few hundred million dollars in yearly earnings. These people have kids, and like you, they want to leave their children a legacy of clean air and water, healthy forests, and a robust ecosystem full of lush biodiversity.
That’s why, once they’re done raping the planet for every square inch of non-renewable resources, they’ll use a portion of the profits to reconstruct Earth’s ecosystem in a multi-billion dollar bubble, built specifically for their children, in outer space.
